Desired, p.13
Desired, page 13
I scowled and folded my arms.
“Well I mind. I don’t want you to watch me having sex.”
“You’ve got nothing to be insecure about.”
I wanted to go over there and rip his stupid hair out. Jack Dyson was a cheater. The boy who made my friend so freaking happy was cheating on her with Katrina of all people. I hated how calmly he sat there with his hairy chest acting like everything was fine. He should have been tearing his hair out in guilt. I wanted to shove that stupid tangerine—
“Mate, get the fuck out,” Crispin snapped. “Now.”
“Alright, mate. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about either. You’re much larger than me.”
He patted Crispin on the back and slipped past him, calling out to another boy on their floor who apparently had a copy of the game.
When the door shut behind him Crispin muttered, “Fuck.”
“Fuck!? This is beyond fuck. Your roommate is cheating on my best friend. We have to do something.”
“I know,” Crispin said. “We should have sex.”
“How would that help!?”
“I dunno. I just want to get laid.”
I took Crispin’s pillow off his bed and hit him in the face with it. He groaned.
“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just hard. All the imagining. I want the real thing. I want you.”
I dropped his pillow and stared at him for a second. Yeah. I wanted him too. I scampered back over to him and threw my arms around him.
“I want the real thing too. Even if it’s a really dumb idea.”
“I know,” Crispin murmured, moving my body around so it was easier for our lips to meet. “But I fucking love you. And if it’s wrong to want a woman you love… I’m even more fucked up than I thought.”
His hand moved under my sweater and he touched my hips, making a low satisfied grunt in his throat as he pulled me against him.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I never stopped.”
“I know, twiggy. I know I’m making it so hard on you.”
Then he scooped me up and pressed me against his closet door. Damn, kissing him felt good. And for now, I could forget what we’d seen. Crispin was just that good of a kisser.
“Bed,” I whispered. “Take me to your bed.”
Crispin nodded and obeyed.
Crispin and I made love for an hour. I liked going on top because I could control how deeply I took him and he loved gazing into my eyes and making love to me with slow movements of his hips. We alternated between our favorites until we both came several times. Crispin’s stamina had only improved with his return to football.
When we finished, I lay next to him in the crook of his bad arm. He tried to hide the wincing from me when I first lay on it, but that didn’t work. I sat up and touched my thumb to the slowly healing track marks.
“Please don’t do it anymore,” I whispered as I touched them. They were clearly painful and I couldn’t imagine why Crispin wanted to hurt himself so badly. He’d really loved our baby that much, even before our baby had a heartbeat, or eyes. He loved our baby so much that losing that future had driven him to this. How on earth could he expect me not to feel guilty?
“I won’t,” he said. “I promise. And you promise to eat. Please.”
“Okay.”
“It’s my fault you got worse,” Crispin whispered. “I know I pushed you too much and too fast. You’ve been through a lot but fuck, Amina. I love you more than I thought possible.”
He pulled me onto his chest and rested his pale palm on my curvy butt before his hand traveled to my lower back.
“If you give me a second chance, I will never screw up again.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“I suppose not. But I’m arrogant and filled to the brim with white privilege as you say. So I ought to try.”
“Come here, white privilege…” I grumbled, grabbing his face and pulling it to mine. He chuckled and then eagerly accepted my wet, messy kisses. Crispin’s blond hair fell over my face and I played with it as we kissed. I didn’t want us to stop, but I would have to sneak back into my dorm eventually and that meant I’d have to decide what to tell Violet about Jack.
Crispin sensed my worry. Even now, he hadn’t fallen out of touch with my emotions. He placed his firm hand on my hip and moved by body gently towards his.
“What are you worrying about, twiggy?” he murmured, gently tugging on my lower lip.
“Jack. I don’t think he realizes we saw her.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
“Whether you talk to him or not isn’t the issue. I’ll probably see Violet before that. What do I tell her?”
“Perhaps it’s better not to get involved. Katrina already has it out for you.”
“Katrina needs a good kick in the head.”
“I agree,” Crispin said.
“She kissed Violet’s boyfriend and he kissed her. This is terrible.”
“Would it make you feel better if I promised to make him do the right thing?”
“What do you think the right thing is?” I asked suspiciously.
“Tell her the truth, that he’s fallen for Katrina because he’s gone blind or something, and then he dumps Violet.”
Crispin’s insanity had reached a new level with this one.
“Right. That isn’t cold at all.”
“Is there a way to announce that you’ve cheated that sounds great?” Crispin asked, his tone frustratingly genuine.
“No. I guess not.”
“I’ll handle it. You should head back to your room before Freddie suspects anything.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t talk to Freddie about you.”
“Why not? I talk to her about you.”
“It’s different,” I huffed, searching for my clothes and finally untangling them from Crispin’s hoodie.
“Whatever you say, twiggy. I just… I want everything to be okay with us, you know?”
“We have a lot of work to do.”
“I know,” Crispin whispered. “And the partying… it has to stop. I understand.”
“Good.”
“Will you promise to eat enough tomorrow?”
I nodded. Crispin helped me sneak out of his dorm, which took a lot of work. I thought he would let me walk back to mine alone, but he insisted on accompanying me. I thought we could make it back undetected, but as we approached my dorm, Vi Bainbridge walked out with a hoodie and leggings alone, coming straight toward us.
Crispin and I exchanged nervous glances.
“We can’t avoid it now,” I whispered.
“Shit. We can’t say anything.”
“What do you mean? We have to say something. We have to help her. She’s our friend.”
“Jack’s my friend too.”
“He cheated on her,” I hissed. “Stand on the right side of history, Crispin.”
He shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
“Hello you two,” Vi said. “Back from more peer support dinners?”
She sounded so cheerful. My heart broke for her.
“You could say that,” Crispin replied cheekily. I glared at him. Violet tilted her head to the side.
“There’s something weird about both of you. Are you back together and keeping it a secret?”
Crispin’s cheeks darkened and he stumbled over his words. We weren’t technically back together yet, we had to talk to our “support team” and I suppose eventually we’d have to tell Dean Haverford that I was officially disqualified from being Crispin’s peer support since I’d gone back to being his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the secret clearly written on my face and Crispin’s. I was Violet’s best friend. I had to be the one to tell her.
“Vi… Crispin and I are not back together but… we both saw something and… we have to tell you about it.”
“We really don’t,” Crispin said. “Sometimes, it’s better not to get involved in other people’s problems.”
“You two are acting weird,” Violet muttered. “Come on, just tell me what’s going on, you’re scaring me.”
“We saw Jack—”
“At football practice!” Crispin interrupted. I elbowed him hard.
“That is not what I was going to say.”
“Then say it!” Violet said, half-giggling because she probably thought it was a prank or something and not the devastating news we were actually about to spill. I was furious with Jack. How the hell could he do this to my best friend?!
“We caught Jack Dyson having a bit of a fumble with Katrina,” Crispin said.
If I could have reached the back of his giant blond head, I would have smacked it so hard.
Violet’s face fell.
“What? He fought her?”
Why the hell had Crispin even phrased it like that? Before I could interject, he continued.
“Well, their lips were fighting. Together. Like this.”
He scrunched his hands up and made them kiss while Vi and I wrinkled our noses. Then Violet came to her senses.
“This really isn’t funny,” she said, folding her arms.
“It’s not a joke,” I said, hoping that my calm and serious tone would help her to see that.
“Jack wouldn’t do something like that. He wouldn’t kiss Katrina. He’s not even attracted to her.”
“Violet… I know what I saw.”
“Well you saw wrong,” she said and then she pushed past us and stormed off. Crispin’s hands were still locked in a makeout until I pinched him.
“Christ! What was that for?”
“We traumatized her!”
“She’s in denial,” Crispin said calmly, as if he were an expert in exposing infidelity. “She’ll realize soon enough that you’re her best friend and you wouldn’t lie to her. Do you think she’ll want me to beat up Jack? I want Vi to like me but I dunno… I can’t assault another roommate.”
Really? That was the only reason he wouldn’t do it? Who was I kidding, I’d been thinking about subjecting Katrina to another beatdown. If she threatened to report me, I’d get that Year 12 on my side and dish it right back. Then again…
“And I can’t assault Katrina,” I said. “None of the teachers believe she could ever do anything wrong because she’s religious.”
“Do they notice that her religion seems to change frequently?” Crispin’s jaw clenched. “Perhaps we can call the Grigsbys,” he said. “They’re awful people but… perhaps they can get Katrina in line.”
“Don’t you think if they could have done that by now, they would have?”
Crispin shook his head.
“You don’t understand her parents. They’re not typical in England, but they’re… I think you have them in America. People who do church on the radio and television and whatnot.”
“Televangelists?” I said, shuddering with the memory of one particularly racist preacher John Hewett loved listening to on road trips. Looking back, I think he just enjoyed making me uncomfortable. He wasn’t even religious.
“Sure. Those people. Katrina’s parents are involved in their business. They don’t know much about what she’s up to. Maybe it’s time they find out. They’re absolutely paranoid about bad press. Ask me how I know…”
“I do want to ask you…”
“I’ve known her for ages, okay? Not super close or anything but… her parents are a little bit… fire and brimstone. They have a lot of enemies, but they imagine a few more than they really have.”
“Great,” I said. “More annoying parents on campus. It’s bad enough I saw Frances downtown.”
Crispin slid his hand into mine.
“We’ll have to deal with all of this tomorrow,” he said. “I’ve got to leave you, twiggy. Talk to Jack, do my bloody homework, think about you…”
“What about Violet? She’s gone back to her dorm but… I feel bad.”
“Text her,” Crispin said emphatically. “I’ll tell Dyson the jig is up and he’s an utter twat.”
“Thanks.”
“Breakfast tomorrow, twiggy?”
I nodded. Breakfast with Crispin seemed to be the least dramatic idea. We hugged goodbye and I rushed back to my bedroom where Freddie lay in bed, her head resting on Jude Fox’s lap.
Jude Fox had some features I’d noticed amongst their entire family when I’d met Benjamin Fox and eventually Barnaby. He had large olive eyes, dark brown hair and a nearly perpetual scowl on his face. I couldn’t believe even the scowl was genetic.
He was in the middle of a sentence when I walked into my bedroom.
“I mean, you already shagged me, what’s the big deal?”
He sounded cruel. That was my first thought. But Freddie only giggled and sat up languidly when she saw me enter the room.
“Oh, Amina. Meet Jude.”
“This is your roommate?” Jude interrupted, before Freddie could say “Jude, meet Amina.”
“Yes, wanker,” Freddie said. “What do you think?”
“Think she would do threesomes?” Jude asked her, twirling her hair around his finger without bothering to look up at me.
Freddie giggled. “She can’t. She’s got a thing with my brother.”
Jude had officially creeped me out. But I looked at him and waved politely.
“Hi.”
He licked his lips, finally nodding as he looked at me like a piece of meat. “Nice one.” He patted Freddie’s head and then kissed her. “Listen, babe. I’ve got homework.”
“I thought I did all of it already?”
“Listen, if she’s not going to do a threesome, I’m leaving,” he said, extracting himself from Freddie’s grasp and hopping out of her bed.
I already hated that she liked him this much when he was talking to her like this. Freddie deserved better. She didn’t seem to even notice his attitude or his rude words.
Freddie sighed. “Whatever. Let Crispin hear you talk like that and he’ll castrate you.”
Jude grunted and kissed Freddie goodbye. I couldn’t believe how rude he’d been toward her, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Freddie sighed and spoke first after he left.
“Do you think he’s an arsehole?”
If she had to ask, I thought she might already know the answer to the question.
“Well, I don’t really know him,” I offered, trying to be nice. He was still her boyfriend. Or something like that.
“He’s an arsehole,” Freddie said.
I shrugged, trying not to be offensive because of the situation with Violet. My honesty could be too blunt too soon and I didn’t want to be in that position with multiple friends. Luckily, she was eager to change the subject. I was still thinking about the weird interaction with Vi.
“Where were you?”
“Crispin. We might be… I dunno… getting back together.”
Freddie grinned and clapped her hands, even if she’d told me not to take him back several times.
“You’re lovestruck. I knew it. It’s the eyes, isn’t it? Girls always loved his eyes.”
The eyes were only a part of the problem, but Freddie was right. They were still part of the problem. But getting back together with Crispin wasn’t even the first thing on my mind.
“There’s something else. I saw Jack making out with someone.”
“Dyson!?”
Right? Even Freddie was surprised and she was the most cynical person I’d met since Crispin.
“Yes.”
“Does Violet know?”
“I told her and she got really mad at me. I feel bad. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her.”
“You did the right thing. You’re her friend. She’s probably just in shock.”
“That’s what Crispin said.”
“He’s not stupid all the time,” Freddie admitted. “Just most of the time.”
“I don’t know what to do about Vi. Once she finally realizes the truth… she’s going to be heartbroken.”
“They seemed perfect. Jack’s a cunt.”
“Katrina’s a cunt too.”
“Wait, Katrina?”
“That’s who he was kissing.”
Freddie’s face reddened. “No. It can’t be.”
“Yes.”
“Bitch!”
“I know,” I sighed. “I know.”
I could think of another hundred names to call Katrina. But right now, I was more worried about Violet and how she reacted to the news. I hadn’t been lying about Jack, but I didn’t exactly have proof. Had I messed up my friendship over this? I wanted to text Crispin, but Freddie put on a pot of tea and insisted I sit with her and tell her everything.
“Stop me from texting Jude,” she pleaded. “Please.”
We chatted about Violet, Jack and Katrina for a while, but I was pretty tired and I eventually went to sleep. I wanted to text Violet, but I thought I should give her time to cool off. I didn’t know what Freddie did after I went to bed, but in the morning, she was gone. I’d promised Crispin I would have breakfast with him, and I was thrilled to meet him. This was it — the day we finally got approval to get back together.
We both had meetings with our therapists at different points after breakfast. Finally. Progress.
I hadn’t been this excited to get ready for school in a while. I was even more excited for our first 5k race that Wednesday afternoon against Inverness Prep. I heard the Scottish girls were brawny and tough, but I knew I was fast enough to at least get a medal. Erin had really hyped me up for the race.
Crispin already had a seat and a plate of breakfast laid out for me (and covered) when I came. He’d used the dining hall waffle maker to make me a waffle from the provided batter, making mine just like his with strawberries, whipped cream and pure maple syrup. Yum. I sat down across from him, and he grinned.
“Good morning.”
“You’re in a good mood,” I said.
“Absolutely. I’ve been cleared to play on Friday’s game.”
“You have a game?”
“Yes. But you’re not officially on girlfriend duty yet. You don’t have to come.”
“Cool. You need to come to my race. Boyfriend duty or not.”
“It’s here. I planned on watching before you asked.”
