Reckless, p.27
Reckless, page 27
I’m going to hurl. Would it be wrong to shank Jamie—I mean James—first?
Beverly waves everyone over to the buffet table, and I skirt out of the way, a potent mixture of shame and contempt rounding the curves of my heart like a raging river.
“Tori, dear,” Beverly whispers, “can you do me a favor and grab more napkins out of the kitchen?”
I’ve never moved so fast in my life.
* * *
Except for the cake cutting, I manage to hide out in the kitchen. Whipping up more fruit salad or dip. Washing dishes. Making sure the kids make it to the potty in time. I eventually fall into the familiar routine of making a few guests mixed drinks.
When Beverly asks if I’m okay, I tell her I have a headache, and she pats my hand sweetly and offers pain relievers. When Ethan asks if I’d like to join him outside, I use the same excuse, even though lying to him makes me feel guilty. But there’s no telling what I might say to Jamie right now, and I won’t let myself make a scene at Cody’s birthday party. Not with so many of Ethan’s business associates here.
This is where my sister would tell me to lock down the crazy. That it’s not worth the repercussions of being unfiltered.
I’ll tell Ethan the truth after the guests have left.
Not here, though.
Not now.
Through the back window, the sounds of the party waft up through the late afternoon and early evening. Children laughing. Women gossiping. Men talking about horses and beer and cigars. The scent of barbecue and cedar floating in the air.
On a typical day, I’d love this kind of party. I’d be playing with the kids on the new swing set. Joking and mingling and having a blast. Taking Ethan’s hand so we could dance to the Rolling Stones drifting from the sound system.
Wild Horses, I think with a smile. Logan must’ve made the playlist.
Instead, I’m hiding and confused and hurt.
Because it pains me to see Allison planted next to Ethan at the picnic table with her parents and his mom. It hurts to see the easy way they laugh, and the picture-perfect way they look when Cody climbs onto his dad’s lap, and Mila wanders over to her mom’s side.
But what can I do?
Nothing.
Because they were a family long before I arrived on the ranch.
Allison is obviously on her best behavior, and I feel murderous when she places her hand on Ethan’s shoulder and leans toward him to whisper something.
“You’re in over your head, sugar plum.” Jamie’s voice in my ear makes me jerk away. “She’s a done deal. You think Ethan can resist that beautiful woman and her family’s money?”
He trails a finger over my shoulder, and I slap it away. “Don’t fucking touch me, Jamie.” My breath is a harsh pant, that light-headed feeling back with vengeance.
“I just hate seeing you get hurt, is all. Don’t want you caught up in this mess.”
“That’s rich coming from you. I’m sure your great sense of altruism is at the heart of your advice.” I step around the island, needing to put space between us. He follows two steps behind like a predator.
“Honestly, I think you probably saved their marriage. Ethan might deny it to you, but I know for a fact they’ve been talking every day.”
The air in my lungs stalls when I look for some hint that he’s lying, but he stares me straight in the eye.
In my head, the comparison is quick. I’ve barely spoken to Ethan during the last two weeks, but he’s been talking to Allison daily?
The corner of his mouth tilts up and he continues his assault to my heart. “Want to hear the ironic part here?” He lifts his thumb over his shoulder. “Ethan’s the one who talked me into staying with Felicia. Said the side chick I was seeing wasn’t worth my time. Wasn’t worth my marriage. That marriage was sacred and worth any sacrifice. Wise words. Ones I’m guessing he’ll probably heed once Allison tells him she’s reconsidered the divorce and wants to come home. I think she saw the hot piece of ass Ethan was fucking and had a change of heart, and she has you to thank for showing her how good she had it. See. I told you. Ironic.”
He laughs, the sound scraping over my skin like white-hot coals.
A boulder of emotion builds in my chest, and I shake my head. “You’re lying.” Isn’t he?
“Sugar plum, I’ve lied about a lot of things in my life, but I’m not now.” With one hand on the counter, he leans back, cool and collected.
He’s telling the truth. At least in part. But which part?
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he lowers his voice. “Why are you with Ethan anyway? I thought you and I had a good thing.”
Laughter, shrill and maniacal, sweeps out of me. “You can’t be serious.” Why does this asshole care?
His spicy cologne and smug smile take me back to the days and weeks after that dreadful day at his house. The messages he left on my phone. Those stupid bouquets of carnations. How he kept trying to track me down at work.
“Are you jealous I’m with Ethan?”
He scoffs, but there’s that weird tick in his jaw. “Just saying when it goes to hell here, you know who you can turn to.”
Yeaaah, no.
Outside the window, guests are leaving. A steady stream of voices leads around the side of the house to the cars parked out front.
Thank God. Let this day end.
The back door opens and several sets of footsteps echo closer. My heart is in my throat when I see that it’s Ethan, Allison, and Felicia.
Jamie’s wife watches me warily as she strides up to her husband and wraps her arm around his waist. “Boo, Allison and I were saying we should go on a double date while we’re still in town. For old times’ sake.”
Jamie’s thousand-watt full-of-bullshit smile lights up. “Definitely.”
Needing to see his reaction despite the dread building in my belly, I glance at Allison and Ethan across the island. She tugs on his arm and stares up at him. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Confusion etches across Ethan’s face, and he removes her hand. “Allison, I don’t think that’s—”
Her other hand slithers up his chest, and a pout forms on her lips as she leans closer to him.
My vision hazes red like that elevator scene from The Shining.
“Get your fucking hands off him.” The words are out of my mouth before I can think better of it. And now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. “You had your chance with him, and you walked away from him and your kids, you selfish bitch.”
Everyone stares at me, mouths open, eyes wide. Let them stare.
It takes a second for her to gather herself, and I can almost see her talons extend, but I also see victory in her eyes.
She wants this. She’s been waiting to strike like a viper.
“Guess what, you slut, now that I’m a partner on this ranch, you’re fired, so get your shit and your trampy ass out of my house. This is my kitchen. Those are my kids. This is my husband.”
Ethan rears back like someone slapped him. “Allison, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
Little feet come padding down the hall, interrupting him. Mila immediately hugs Allison. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
With a dramatic sniffle, Allison wipes her eyes. “I’m just trying to make Daddy see how much I love you guys.” Oh, my God. This woman has no limits. I’ve never seen her extend one compassionate gesture to her kids or husband in private. Allison turns to Ethan. “Didn’t you tell me you’d do anything to have me back? That you’d do anything for their kids to have their mommy home? Didn’t you say they cry at night because they miss me so much? We could end all of that right now.”
Ethan glances down at his daughter, a pained expression on his face.
The tick tock of the clock on the wall swells in my ears as he stands still and I silently beg him to say something. Anything.
Chuckling, Jamie smirks at me and stretches an arm around his wife. “Gotta say, man, I’m kinda surprised you hired Tori. What with her record and all. Hope you didn’t let her drive the kids anywhere.”
“What?” My voice is fragile, like spun glass. One misstep and I’ll break apart.
Why would he bring that up? He knew how mortified I was about that time in my life.
His wife sneers like she just stepped in a steamy pile of horse shit. “I thought you needed certain standards to hold this kind of job.”
“Sorry, Tori,” Jamie says as though the man feels even a hint of remorse. “Want to make sure my friends know the real you. Know that they’re getting a college dropout who partied so hard, she nearly killed a car-load of her friends when they were out joyriding. Not sure that’s the kind of woman I’d hire to watch my children.”
The gasp I hear is mine.
Because that’s a version of the truth, but it’s distorted and ugly. It’s my life, the blood and guts of it all smeared and inside out, like some victim of a horror movie.
For a second, I can’t breathe.
I’m underwater.
Sinking. Sucking in water. Suffocating.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
I don’t know how to explain what really happened. How to untangle the thread of truth from the ball of lies Jamie just threw in my face.
Absurdly, my thoughts go to that astronomy course I nearly failed. Of the way planets collide so powerfully, they rip apart time, gnawing it open with their jaws.
I wonder if this is how it feels to be trapped in that kind of wreckage. Like noiseless, dark energy sparking out of existence.
Ethan’s voice slices through the overwhelming silence in the room. But it’s not the voice of my boyfriend. It’s the man who interviewed me months ago. Harsh. Demanding. Angry. “What’s he talking about, Tori?”
My eyes dart between everyone in the room.
Ethan, who’s pissed and confused, whose eyes beseech me to tell him that Jamie’s lying, that beg me to tell him he knows the real me.
Allison, who’s triumphant and conniving and likely planning my slow death.
And Jamie, who’s arrogant and so fucking pleased with himself he’s practically levitating off the ground.
It’s his haughty smirk that pushes me over the edge.
I’m a car skidding off a cliff. Tires squealing. Dirt flying. Engine roaring.
I’m that girl.
Again.
The one who loses control and veers off the road.
Untethered and unmoored.
Reckless.
But if I’m going down, I’m taking that asshole with me.
51
Tori
Flushed and feverish, I kneel down in front of Mila. “Honey, go find Uncle Logan. Stay with him, okay?” I don’t understand how I channel a gentle tone with Mila when the storm of emotion whipping through me is cresting.
She nods and skips off, completely ignoring Allison when she tells her to stay.
As I stand, I point to the path Mila took out the back door. “That’s what happens when you ignore your kids, Allison. They ignore you.” My voice gains strength. “And you can sweep in here and pretend like you’re mother of the year for all your friends, but let’s get one thing straight. I know you’re a shitty parent, but worse? So do Mila and Cody, and they’re the only ones who matter.”
It’s her turn to sputter, but I ignore her and turn to Ethan.
The distance in his eyes is devastating, but when he doesn’t come to Allison’s defense, I take that as a small victory and plow forward. Deep down, though, I’m preparing for the death blow to my heart when he learns the truth. “The question you should be asking is how Jamie knows so much about me.”
His attention shifts to his friend, and I continue, my anger rising. “The question you should be asking is why Jamie cares. By the way, I’m calling him Jamie because that’s what he told me to call him during the six months we dated.” Ethan’s eyes cut back to mine, his nostrils flaring. “I didn’t know he was married. I didn’t know he had children. I didn’t know because he lied. About everything.”
Behind me, Felicia gasps, he and his wife shouting I’m a liar and a whore and a cunt, but I ignore them. This isn’t about them. This is about Ethan understanding.
“Remember when I told you about my ex?” I remind him. “Yes, part of what he told you about my past is true, which is why I never drove your kids anywhere except the one time you insisted.”
“She’s lying,” Felicia screeches. “James has never cheated on me.”
Looking over my shoulder, I shrug. Jamie’s pale as I tell his wife the truth. “Then ask him how I know you have a tattoo of a fairy on your lower back, just above the dimple on your ass. Ask him how I know he bought you tickets to a Rangers game for his birthday last year. Ask him about how you came home early that day. How he shoved me in your bedroom closet so he could protect his dirty secret. Why he nearly choked you on his dick when I walked out to confront him.”
I’d felt unhinged when I finally gathered myself and stormed out of that closet ready to tear into him, his marriage be damned. But one look at their naked bodies before me, closer this time, with his wife in his lap, taking him down her throat, and I was rendered speechless.
I’d thought, That could be me. Completely clueless.
The dirtbag had moaned loudly, shoving her down hard to distract her from my presence. In the moment, my rage deflated, and all I felt was resignation. He was an asshole. Her asshole. And she was welcome to have him.
In the two seconds I stood there, all of the crazy I’d planned to unleash fell by the wayside. I didn’t need anymore problems.
But that didn’t stop me from slashing his tires.
I clear my throat. “If he did that with me, how many other times has he cheated?”
“Motherfucker,” Ethan growls behind me, and my skin prickles.
“You little psycho,” Felicia wails. “You’re the one who vandalized his car!”
“Guilty as charged.” I hold up my hands and return my focus to Ethan. “I’m a lot of messed-up things, but I always cop to what I’ve done. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my driving record. At first, I thought you hadn’t done my background check because I was only supposed to be here temporarily while you found a real nanny through an agency. Then I hoped my sister had warned you. Because she does that. She cleans up my messes and gets me jobs.”
I swallow, knowing how badly I’ve screwed up. “But when you kept offering me your truck, when you told me to drive the kids, I got too afraid to ask what you knew. Too much time had gone by. Too many opportunities to tell you about my past.” Too many intimate moments. Tears burn in my eyes, and I swipe at them with the back of my hand. “I can’t explain how you looked at me, but for the first time, I wasn’t a screw-up. You didn’t see me the way my family does. A mess. A flunky. A basketcase. And I didn’t want to mess this up too. You and Mila and Cody were too important to me.”
Ethan’s expression is blank. “So tell me now. Tell me what happened.”
“Are you serious?” Allison blows out a breath. “She’s endangered the lives of our children.”
“No, I didn’t endanger your kids. I drove them once. Once. Under the speed limit for all of two miles, and Logan drove them home.” Angrily, I wipe at another tear. “Here’s the truth. I got a DUI my freshman year of college for driving my friends with open containers in the car. We drag-raced through some back roads we thought were empty, and they were empty, except for that state trooper who pulled me over. No one was injured, though.” Even though Jamie made it seem like I had run over a busload of kids.
Awkwardly, I shift on my feet. “I had a few beers that night, but the breathalyzer showed that I was point zero five over the drinking limit. Plus, I was underage and drag-racing. All stupid shit on my part. I spent a night in jail. Lost my license for a while. Let my life fall apart. Wasn’t the last time, either.” I glare at Jamie.
I wish freshman year had taught me a lesson. While I never drove under the influence again, I partied away most of college like an idiot. Partied and worked to pay off my attorney bills. You’d think one night in county would teach me, but it took getting screwed over by Jamie for me to take a long, hard look at my life and try to make some lasting changes.
Allison moves close to Ethan before she narrows her eyes at me. “You need to leave. Now.”
Ethan looks shell-shocked. Like the news of me having an affair with his friend and my arrest have shattered his impression of me.
With a trembling hand, I touch his chest. I keep my eyes pinned to the collar of his t-shirt. “I never meant to keep any of this from you, and I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve lied. That was never my intention.” Finally, I brave a glance in his raging blue eyes. They’re the color of the sky during a storm. “But I would suffer through all of that humiliation again if it brought me back to you.”
Tell me you love me.
Tell me we’re okay.
That we’ll get through this.
That you forgive me.
He clears his throat and reaches for me, his touch gentle on my shoulder. “Tori, I—”
“Daaaaaddy!” Mila’s wailing, frantic, as she skids into the kitchen. “Daddy! Cody fell. He’s hurt re-re-real bad. Logan says it’s an emer-emer-gency.”
One minute Ethan’s staring at me with so much emotion in his eyes, I want to weep. The next, he’s gone, picking up his daughter and racing out the back door.
I watch it slam shut.
When I make sense of what just happened, that the baby is injured, I start to follow, but Allison grips my arm, digging her nails into my skin.
Her voice, toxic and bloodthirsty, is in my ear. “Get the fuck out of my house before I call the police. Unless you’d like another arrest on your record.” She rattles off things she could lie about. That I stole jewelry or hurt the children or did drugs.
I’m standing there in stunned silence when two large hands grab me from behind and drag me down the hallway where I’m shoved out the front door.
I land on my ass and gasp for breath because the wind gets knocked out of me.
White spots dot my vision as I stare up at Jamie’s furious face, but I’m scrambling back toward my car. Ignoring the voices. Ignoring the yelling.
