“Are you fucking kidding me, Theo? I leave on assignment without you, and the first thing you do is jump in her bed?” His chair scrapes back as he stands. West catches it before it hits the ground.

  “Don’t be stupid, man. Your sister is in fucking pain. She needed someone to be here while she’s hurting.” Emily scratches at the door to be let in, and I’m willing to bet she senses the growing tension in the house.

  Lola slides behind me to open the door as Nix goes off again. “Well what the fuck am I supposed to think, Theo, when she’s wandering around in your shirt, in your house, then runs to you after some cute fucking nickname and falls into your arms like some–” He stops right as he’s about to say something we all know he would have regretted.

  “Shut the hell up Nixon Lincoln Bishop!” Lola snaps, her body shaking with rage. “You leave. All the time, you leave, and you take Theo with you, and I never know if any of you are coming home. Never. I never know anything because you leave me in the dark. I get no phone calls when you land, I get no emails when you’re gone. I get nothing.”

  “Lola.” Nix tries to calm her.

  “No! I found my best friend's dead body yesterday. I was covered in his blood for hours, and you know who came for me? Who dropped everything for me when I needed someone most? Theo. You were gone. Like you always are. And you take him with you. You take Theo, too, and now, when you take him next time, I’ll have no one. I will be alone, Nix.” Her body can’t contain the strength of her agony, and I catch her as she collapses in front of me.

  Swinging her up in my arms, I don’t hesitate to give her that little bit of connection she craves as I lower my head and kiss her lightly on the lips. I had no fucking idea how much she hurts every time we deploy.

  “Fuck. Kid. Lola.” Nix is at a loss for words for the first time since I’ve known him. Placing Lola in a chair at the table, I sit behind her as her brother drops to his knees in front of her. “I’m sorry, Lola. I didn’t know.”

  West remains quiet, sipping at his mug, even as he brings a cup over to Lola. “You don’t know because I don’t want to be a burden. But Sam is gone now. He was all I had for so many years. He held me together so I could be there when you needed me. But Nix, I need you now, and I need Theo too.”

  “Am I fucking chopped liver over here or what?” West breaks the serious moment with humor, relieving some of the tension in the room.

  “No, Weston Green, you are not. You are an enigma wrapped in a taco, waiting for the right moments.” Lola teases him, and he frowns.

  “Thanks, I think.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, Lol,” Nix mutters.

  “I don’t need you to tell me anything, Nix. I need you not to be cruel to Sam when he’s not here because you were his hero. And he was so much like you it hurt to watch. I need you to be safe and always come home. You’re the last of my family, Nix. I can’t lose you too.”

  “Ah, kid.” Pulling her into his arms, Nix glares at me, and I know we’ll be having a nice little discussion about this later. “I’m sorry I said Sam was weak. I’m sorry you lost your best friend. I wish I’d known he was in so much pain, I would have tried to help. I hope you know that.”

  Leaning her head against Nix's, she nods and wraps her arms around his neck, whispering something in his ear that West and I don’t hear. I see his face soften and pray my ass-kicking won’t be nearly as bad as they pull apart.

  “Breakfast?” Nix asks as he stands. “Then we’ll go see that detective.”

  “Sounds good,” Lola agrees.

  “So, is anyone gonna explain the dog?” West queries as he watches Emily follow Lola.

  Lola

  The blow-up with Nix was inevitable, I just hadn’t expected it to happen so swiftly or emotionally. By the time it was over, I felt like I’d gone ten rounds in a ring with a heavyweight.

  Fighting with my brother has never been something I enjoy, and so I avoid it at all costs. But his words this morning were heartbreaking. Even understanding that they stem from his anger and hurt, it was hard not to take them to heart.

  After breakfast, West went home to get some much-needed sleep, and Nix rode with Theo and me to the police station. The whole team wanted to come to protect me, but I’m so exhausted and cry at the drop of a hat that I can’t deal with attempting to hold it together in front of them.

  “Miss Bishop.” The angry detective from yesterday appears. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

  “I guess making appointments doesn’t work for you, huh,” Nix grumbles from alongside me.

  “Investigating death doesn’t adhere to a timetable, Mr. Bishop.” I hide my chuckle by coughing because I can feel Nix and Theo share a conspiratorial look. If this man only knew.

  “Let’s get started, shall we. Can you tell me what you were doing at Mr. Dane’s home yesterday morning?” He looks up from his notepad.

  “He was supposed to pick me up at eight for breakfast before we went to our first class of the day. When he didn’t show up and didn’t answer his phone, I walked over to his house.”

  “What condition was the home in when you entered?”

  “Normal, I guess. Sam lives…lived with his older brother, Charlie, in a rented house. Charlie works nights, so he wasn’t home.” I frown at his line of questioning.

  “Tell me about finding Sam’s body.” His neutral tone bothers me.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I try not to cry and respond, “I went to his room first, but it was empty and didn’t look like it’d been slept in. I noticed the light under the bathroom door then.” Blowing out a breath, I fight back the tears. “Sam was in the tub. There was blood everywhere.” Teardrops begin to fall, now, as I recollect the feeling of finding his lifeless body. As I remember being soaked in his bloody water.

  “Did you see the object he used to slit his wrists with?”

  “Come on, man, have some fucking empathy,” Theo shouts as he wraps an arm across my shoulders and hands me a tissue.

  “I’m conducting an investigation. I need to gather all the details before I can close my case,” the detective states as if this were a case of murder. “The weapon?” he prompts.

  “I have no idea. I saw my friend in a tub of bloody water and, immediately, pulled him out. My focus was on saving his life.”

  The man marks something on his notepad. “I see. When did you realize he was dead?”

  “For fuck sakes! This interview is done,” Nix barks, gripping my arm as he and Theo stand, ready to leave.

  “No, I’m sorry it isn’t. You don’t have the power to end this, Mr. Bishop.”

  My brother only smirks as he drags me from the room and out of the building. “What was going on in there?” I ask. Because it felt like more than a simple, informal questioning like the man had said it was going to be.

  “The prick was trying to accuse you of something you didn’t do because they have to exhaust all avenues before declaring a death a suicide.” Nix’s irritated tone cramps my heart. Not because he’s angry but because I want Sammy at peace, and he won’t be until his case is closed.

  Slowing my steps, I know my brother is going to hate what I’m about to do. “I need to answer their questions, Nix.”

  Snapping his head to glare at me, I can see the questions in his gaze. “What the fuck for? You’re grieving, not a suspect.”

  Theo’s hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles, has me standing a bit taller. “Because Sam’s parents need to put him to rest. They need to be able to move forward in their grief.”

  “She’s right, man,” Theo agrees.

  Before Nix can argue further, the detective appears, and my brother’s anger slides back to him. “She’ll answer non-confrontational questions only.” The man frowns, so Nix carries on. “One inference of an accusation, and I’ll call her a lawyer.”

  “Fine,” the man snaps and turns back around.

  “Thank you, Nix.” I am an adult. I didn’t really need his permission to go back in there, but between him and Theo, I get the feeling they wouldn’t have allowed me to if they thought I wasn’t safe.

  After two hours of questioning, conveying every awful, gut-wrenching moment in Sam’s life and having to stop more times than I can count because my tears overwhelmed me, I’m finally let go.

  With a letter.

  From Sam.

  His scratchy penmanship was always something I teased him about, and now, as I stare at my name written across the envelope, I wish I could take it all back.

  What if our teasing each other contributed to his decision?

  What if I’m the reason?

  What if…

  I could drown in all the possibilities.

  “Breathe, kitten.” Theo’s quiet words are calming as my thumb rubs across the ink. “Whatever he has to say, you’ll know when you’re ready to read it.”

  “What if he blames me, Theo?” I gaze up at him as we leave the police station. Nix is just pulling up with his truck.

  Halting me with a hand on my arm, Theo stands in front of me, placing both palms on my cheeks. “Baby, nobody blames you, and I’m positive he won’t either.” Leaning down, he places a gentle kiss on my lips.

  Nix lays on the horn, breaking us apart. Theo glares at my brother, utterly unafraid of the man. Their stare-off continues for a bit, and before anyone notices what’s happening, I’m dragged backward by a pair of rough hands on my shoulders before being spun around to face my accoster.

  “This is your fault!” Charlie, Sam’s brother, screams in my face. “You should have known something was wrong, but you ignored him! Sam’s dead because of you, Lola!”

  I can feel Theo at my back, hear the tone of his voice as he shouts back at Charlie, but I don’t comprehend what he says. All I hear is my racing heartbeat as I’m being picked up and moved.

  Charlie’s right, I should have recognized that something was intrinsically wrong with Sam. I should have picked up on it. I spent more time with him than anybody else, but I was clueless.

  Sam is dead.

  And it’s all my fault.

  The silence is deafening as we drive back to Theo’s house. I understand that both these strong, protective men want to make me feel better. I can feel it in every stare; they want to save me. But I don’t think this is a time where I can be saved. My heart is at war with my mind.

  On the one hand, I know I’m not literally responsible for Sam’s death. I was a devoted friend to him. But on the other hand, what if that wasn’t good enough?

  My self-doubt has me rushing up the stairs to the bathroom, slamming the door on Emily as she follows me, and locking it as I slide to the floor. Heavy tears rush down my face again as I drop my head on my knees, Sam’s letter crumpling in my hand.

  I can hear the dog whining, my brother and Theo calling for me, but I just want to be left alone. I want to cry and scream and fight.

  I want Sam back.

  Theo

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

  I should have beat that pissant kid where he stood, but the devastation on Lola’s face at his accusation had me more worried about her than him. She’d finally, fucking finally, just stopped crying for what felt like the hundredth time and was breathing without me having to remind her.

  And that shithead brother of Sam’s fucking ruined it.

  I get it, he’s pissed. His brother is dead, and I’m willing to bet he’s suffering as much guilt as Lola is because he hadn't picked up on Sam's severe distress that led to his suicide. But I can’t accept or condone his behavior to my girl, and should I come across the kid again, I plan to give him a piece of my mind.

  With Emily lying on the floor in front of the door, I have my arms braced on the frame, waiting, listening to Lola as she cries, and feeling helpless to do a fucking thing for her.

  “Lo, baby, let me in,” I plead again.

  “Never thought I’d see the day,” Nix mutters from his place leaning against the wall, arms and legs crossed.

  “What?” I bark.

  “That you'd fall, man. Never thought it’d be with my baby sister, either.” He mumbles the last part.

  “Well, it’s fucking happened, so get used to it.” There are few men I respect more than Nix, but right now, I could pop him in the face and feel no remorse. “Look, man, I don’t want to argue with you about her. Not now. You wanna tear me a new one, wait till we’re alone, she doesn’t need us out here bickering like a couple housewives.”

  I hear him blow out a deep breath seconds before I feel his meaty hand clap my shoulder. “When you’re right, you’re right, Phantom. And right now, I think she needs you in a way I can’t be there for her. It burns, but I’ll live.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Lol, kid, I’ll be back later. Let this ass in before he busts the damn door down.” She doesn’t say anything. “I love you, kid.”

  A faint, “I love you too,” breaks the silence, and as I stare at my commander, I see his eyes soften for a second before his mask slides back in place. There is no one on this planet that he cares for more than his sister, and her pain is getting to him.

  “Call me when she’s resting.” I nod. “Don’t keep me in the dark, Theo, not with her. Not with anything.”

  We share a look before I say, “Not in a million years.”

  With one last glance at the closed door, he leaves, and the house is calm once more. The only sounds are from traffic through the open windows, Emily’s whining, and Lola’s lamenting cries.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Lola. I’m here for it all,” I tell her in the hopes that she’ll unlock the door for me.

  Sounds of her moving around can be heard before the door opens, and she falls into my chest. My arms immediately wrap around her. Enveloping her against my chest, I rub one hand along her spine while the other holds the back of her head.

  “I’m going to have a bath, try to release some of this tension. Could we maybe order pizza and a movie?” Her tentative glimpse up at me shouldn’t be sexy, but it is. Everything about her is sexy and drives me wild.

  “More than okay. Just cheese?” With a nod, she gives me a brief smile before disappearing again.

  Once I hear the water begin to run, the door opens a crack, and the dog slips in. Annoyance lines my features.

  I’m jealous.

  Of a fucking dog.

  Christ.

  Leaving her to her thing, I head downstairs. It’s only mid-afternoon, but it feels like it’s been a full twenty-four hours since we went for breakfast. It feels like a lifetime since she called for me. Things have been out of control from the minute she flew into my arms, and as harsh as that's been, I wouldn’t change a moment.

  Lola and I were not supposed to happen yet. She was supposed to experience her own life, discover who she is, pick a career, finish school.

  For Lola Bishop, I would have waited forever.

  Forever came around yesterday, and now, it’s our time.

  Lola

  “Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

  Sitting in the front window of Theo’s townhouse, I concentrate on the rainfall as the TV quietly plays an old sitcom in the background. We watched movies for hours, ate pizza that I didn’t even taste, and Theo held me all day.

  Last week, I would have called this a dream come true. Theo has feelings for me, and that’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Except, the beauty we have found has been marred by Sam’s death. The agony and misery rolling around inside my body are so hard to push past to see any kind of light. If it weren’t for the guilt swamping me, I would try harder, but it’s a weight on my shoulders I can’t let go of. I don’t think I ever will. Sam was my friendship soulmate. We had a bond that would have spanned our entire lives if we'd had the time.

  Staring down at the envelope in my hand, I know it’s time I open it. Maybe he will tell me why, maybe he’ll tell me it’s my fault, or maybe he’ll forgive me. Maybe Sam will grant me absolution even though I’ll never hear his voice again.

  Tearing through the white paper, I gently unfold the letter, and tears spring forward as I’m reminded again of all the times I teased him about his writing as I see his messy scrawl for the last time.

  Dear Lol,

  You remember the first time I called you that? You didn’t even acknowledge it. That’s when I knew we would be best friends. You would be mine for the rest of my life.

  As it turns out, that’s now.

  I’m sorry, Lol.

  I’m sorry you’re going to be the one to find me.

  I’m sorry I’m going to break your heart.

  I’m sorry you’ll shed even one tear for me.

  We both know you will. You cry at the drop of a hat.

  I’m gonna miss you, Lol. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe there’s nothing waiting for me on the other side. Maybe the peace I seek isn’t real, and I’ll be left in an abyss of nothingness.

  I hope not.

  Don’t blame yourself, Lol. Don’t blame anyone but me. The fault is mine for no longer being able to live in a world where I’m hated for my personality. My sexual orientation.

  Please don’t hate me, Lol. I couldn’t have loved another person in the world as much as I loved you if I tried. You were the absolute best part of me, and I wouldn’t change that.

  I’m sorry I left you. It was my time. For months, I’ve struggled with keeping up a brave face. I know I could have talked to you, to anyone really, but the truth is, it wouldn’t have changed my mind.

  Remember me last summer at Virginia Beach, remember our sandcastles and horrible surfing skills. Remember the abysmal unicorn cake I tried to make for your 18th birthday. Remember the good times, Lol.

  Only the good ones.

  Forget the ugliness. The hate. The anger. Be happy for me, for you, and for Pete’s sake, tell Theo how much you fucking love him because he feels the same damn way. You’re just too stubborn to see.

  I love you, Lol, from the bottom of the sea to the tops of the mountains.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15