Kain, p.13
Kain, page 13
“Do you want something to drink?” she asked.
“I could sure use a stiff one,” I admitted. I didn’t care it was nine in the morning. I just wanted to numb some of the pain. I didn’t expect her to actually have alcohol, but being caught up in the moment, I didn’t care as she poured a glass and handed it to me.
“It’s going to take the edge off at least,” she said. “Remember, this is just a guy. There’s a million more where this one came from.”
“Why do you have this here?” I asked, feeling apprehensive. “You’re supposed to be sober.”
“You saw me open it just now. I thought I would have it on hand in case you came over. Which you did, and now I’m glad that I had it for you,” she said simply.
I wasn’t sure if I could believe her, but I was too upset to argue. I didn’t want to get in a fight with her on top of everything else, but I was still worried about the fact she had alcohol in the house.
How did I know this was the only bottle?
I sipped on the wine and grimaced. I was used to drinking in the morning because of my job, but today it hit me like a punch in the stomach. I knew I hadn’t had much to eat, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that bad.
“I’m not sure I want another one,” I admitted. “I sort of want life to go back to normal.”
“What’s normal for you, Honey?” she asked.
“No men,” I said. “A lot of men at night, but no men in my life.”
She chuckled. “Sounds like the opposite of my life.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. There were times when I thought my mother didn’t realize how many men she had gone through, but then there were times when I could really see the shit she had to deal with. It couldn’t have been easy.
“I don’t know, Mom,” I said as I took another drink of the wine.
“You are a young, smart, beautiful woman. The right guy is going to come along. And if you don’t get a guy, don’t sweat it. Why the Hell do you want one anyway?” she asked with a laugh.
“They are high maintenance and expensive. You know how much that divorce cost me?” she asked.
“I thought you got Wayne to pay for it,” I said.
“Well yes, but technically that was both of our money, so what he spent on it was mine, too,” she said with a laugh. I couldn’t help but join in. it felt good to laugh with her. It was weird. I had so much animosity toward her for so long, but it also felt good.
There was a part of me that wondered if we might be able to have a friendship after all. It would be something else, after all these years, to actually come together and have a mother and daughter relationship. Sure, I wouldn’t ever rely on her for important advice, but she might be someone good to rant to when something like this happened.
Though I wanted to believe I wouldn’t ever fall in love again, there was a part of me that hoped it would happen. I didn’t want to be like my mother. Alone in the world with the only hope of interaction being if her daughter came over to see her.
And I could almost be referred to as estranged.
But then, my mother did something that both surprised and disappointed me. She grabbed the bottle and poured herself a glass of wine, too.
“What are you doing?” I asked in surprise. “I thought you were supposed to be sober.”
“I thought I would just have a glass when I was with you. It’s just one glass of wine,” she said.
“Mom! I told you this was how it was going to go!” I snapped as I flew to my feet. “You always do this! Next it’s going to be just a cocktail! Soon you’re going to be right back where you started! No! You aren’t going to drink that, and I hope to God this really was the only bottle you had in the house!”
I grabbed the glass from in front of her and took the bottle out of her hand, then marched over to the sink and got rid of both. Then, I turned and grabbed my purse.
“Don’t go, Honey,” she said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You need to change, Mother,” I snapped. “And until you do, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
Before she had the chance to argue, I stepped out the door and slammed it behind me. It hurt me to see her getting back into her addiction, and I was starting to feel helpless. There was a part of me that really wanted a mother in my life, but time and time again I felt like it wasn’t ever going to happen with my real mom.
She was too far gone in her addiction, and it didn’t matter how many times she went to rehab. She was always going to circle back to the bottle, or the needle, or the powder. Or the pills. It was always going to be something she would take to take the edge off, as she would say.
I drove home, pissed off at the entire world. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, and for the first time in a long time, I was glad I lived alone. I marched right up the steps and into my apartment, locking the door behind me.
I didn’t care who came to the door. I wasn’t going to answer for anyone. Life wasn’t fair, and I was tired of being screwed over. All I wanted was to be happy, but it seemed that wasn’t in the cards for me.
I was doomed to drift through life and barely stay afloat regardless of how hard I tried to get ahead. I could fight fate, I could try to change people, but in the end it was all useless.
People were going to act however they pleased, and that was often selfishly. They only looked out for themselves and what they could get out of a situation. They never gave a thought to anyone else.
It was time for me to start acting the same way. I had put myself out there so many times, only to have it come back to haunt me. Now, I was going to only focus on myself and my happiness. I had to, or I would go crazy.
Kain had his chance, as did my mother. Neither one cared about me, clearly. And now they both had lost me.
And I felt better for it.
Chapter 23
Kain
The bar was slow. There were a few people scattered about, mostly playing pool and poker. Callie was the only bartender, but Julian, Raf, Bryan and I were all bouncing.
I wasn’t sure why Randy had so many bouncers on shift on a Thursday night. He had hired all of us because of the harassment Callie was facing on her shifts, but the real problems were on the weekends, not during the week.
So, since I was the fourth man on the crew and really wasn’t needed, I spent my shift at the bar drinking. Technically, we weren’t supposed to be drinking while we were on the job, but Randy wasn’t there, and there was no need for so many bouncers to be on shift.
I was half surprised I hadn’t been sent home already. But, Callie was being sweet and listening to me mourn my life and whine about how unfair everything was. She really was sweet, and she knew how to handle drunk people going through breakups very well.
“I’ve been trying to reach her all week,” I blubbered to her. “Why won’t she just answer the phone? I want to explain to her what really happened, but she’s not even giving me that chance. I tried to text her, but she’s not answering any of those, either.”
“If she’s not going to talk to you about what’s going on, then she might not be the best choice of a partner,” Callie said. “If a relationship is going to work, then both people need to communicate.”
“You know what? You’re right,” I said. “You’re absolutely right. Why the Hell would I want to be with someone who doesn’t talk to me? It’s like totally not cool for her to do that. She’s not even giving me a chance to tell her what’s going on, and she’s being such a child about it.”
“Exactly,” Callie said. “Just keep telling yourself that, and soon you’re going to forget all about her. You need to find someone who’s going to treat you with respect and give you the time of day!”
“Right!” I said boldly.
I drank the rest of my beer and felt a lot better.
For about five minutes.
After that, I started to think about all the fun times we had together. I missed her. Missed everything about her. I was pissed off that Misty had done what she did at the party, and I was even more pissed I couldn’t explain myself to Sloan. All I could think about was how betrayed she must feel.
I knew she already had trouble trusting men. She had told me so. And with what she had seen, she must have thought I was just like everyone else. By the time Callie came back, I was right back to where I started.
“You know it really wasn’t my fault,” I said. “Misty was the one who came on to me. I tried to get her off me, but she wouldn’t budge.”
“Oh, I can’t stand her,” Callie said. She wasn’t much older than Misty herself, but she was far more mature. “I would like to think by the time she turns twenty-one she’s going to have a bit more class than she does now.”
“Right?” I said with determination in my voice. “She needs a rude awakening.”
“Fuck her!” Callie said.
“Fuck her! Going around and ruining relationships. She’s such a bitch. I hope she knows what she did makes me hate her even more than I did already. I mean, I didn’t hate her before, I just thought she was annoying, but now I hate her. I want her to die!” I opened another beer and Callie laughed.
“I don’t know if you should go that far, but she definitely needs to grow up,” she said.
I nodded. I hated Misty, and I did blame her for what happened between me and Sloan. I hated the fact she never took a hint, and I would have done anything to relive the moment. If I could go back in time, I really would have made a scene to her parents, telling them to get their daughter under control.
But, there was no going back in time now, there was just moving forward and hoping for the best. And that meant I had to figure out a way to get Sloan to talk to me.
Callie left to serve some new customers who entered the bar, but I kept to myself on the end of the table. I didn’t want to talk to any of the other customers who came through. I’d talk to Callie or any of the other bouncers. But I only wanted to talk to my friends that night.
I could see the compassionate glances from some of the other customers who had heard part of my story, but I was ignoring them. I was sure they had experienced heartbreak at some point in their lives, too, and they would just have to deal with the sad drunk on the end of the bar.
Throughout most of the night, I would go back and forth between hating Sloan and thinking she was overreacting, to feeling like the world’s biggest dick for letting things turn out the way they did. I blamed myself for being so hot and cold with her, then I blamed her for being so stubborn and bitchy. Then I blamed Misty for being such a whore.
It was hard for me to stick to any one emotion, and the deeper I got into the bottle, the harder it was for me to think straight.
Finally, Julian had enough of my whining. He walked over to the bar and grabbed my arm, tugging me off the bar stool.
“Come on, bud, let’s go have a smoke,” he said. A cigarette did sound good, so I followed him out of the bar and into our area. He offered me one of his cigs and I lit up, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke out of the side of my mouth.
“So let me ask you this,” Julian said.
“What?” I slurred.
“If you are so happy that this whole thing is over, why are you whining about it all night? Shut the fuck up about it,” he said.
I said nothing for a minute, then I sighed. “I thought there might have been something real there, but that’s ridiculous, right? We all know I don’t do relationships, so why am I so torn up about this?”
“Why don’t you do relationships?” he asked.
I gave him a look. “You know why. My father abandoning me and my mother following suit.”
“You know your dad didn’t mean to get cancer,” he said.
“That’s not the point,” I replied tartly. “Everyone in my life abandons me.”
“Are you sure about that?” he asked.
I said nothing.
We both stood in silence for a moment, then Julian put out his cigarette. “Why don’t you take the rest of the night off bud. It sounds like you could get some rest.”
“This really is for the best, right Jules?” I asked.
“Are you really happy being alone, Kain?” Julian asked. He didn’t wait for me to answer and walked back inside the bar, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I was glad he gave me the rest of the night off, but I didn’t like the thought of having to go home to my empty apartment, which only proved his point even further.
After a moment of deliberation, I called for an Uber and headed back. I didn’t care what it cost, I couldn’t drive with how smashed I was, and I just wanted to get to bed.
But, when I walked into my house I couldn’t help but feel the wave of loneliness crash over me once again. I wanted to be able to talk to Sloan, but I knew I couldn’t. For a brief moment, I looked at my phone and debated trying to reach her once more, but then I forgot about it.
Even drunk me knew better than to try again. I had tried so many times, being drunk and calling her would be a bad idea.
But, as I laid on the couch and listened to the sound of silence in the apartment, I couldn’t help but think of the day we spent together at the carnival, and how much fun we’d had. I had never done anything like that with any girl before, and it was a blast.
I wanted to do it again, and I fully planned to ask her out again on her next day off. But then this all happened, and life fell apart.
Then, I thought about when I found her stranded on the side of the road, and how awkward she had been. Awkward, but sweet. She had been so timid and tried to be flirtatious, but it simply wasn’t working out for her.
Then there were the lap dances and the sex. The sex was the best sex of my life. She could make me cum so hard it was unbelievable. And I loved the expression on her face when she orgasmed, too. It was one of the most beautiful sights I’d ever seen.
My mind drifted to the time when I saved her in that alley. When I first learned her real name. Sloan. It was so beautiful. So exotic. I wished from that day on I could know her better, then I got the chance to make that happen.
It was as though fate brought us together, then something terrible tore us apart, and I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. All I knew was that I missed her more than I thought possible, and I would do anything in the world to get her back.
As I slowly drifted off to sleep, I promised myself I would sober up, and I would figure out a way to get her to talk to me. I would at least tell her the truth. Hopefully, she would give me another chance when she heard how long Misty had been after me and how nothing had ever happened and how nothing would.
I wasn’t sure if I deserved another chance, and I wasn’t sure if she would even be willing to try.
All I knew was that I couldn’t live without that woman, and I was dying without her in my life. She had impacted me in a way I didn’t know was possible, and all the people in my life who cared about me thought I should go for it. It was time to set aside my grudges and my fears and go for the one thing in life I knew would make me happy.
I was ready to put it all on the line and see what happened, even if that meant I would be rejected and have to deal with the finality of goodbye once again in my life.
For Sloan it was all worth it.
I just had to try.
Chapter 24
Sloan
I woke up and stretched then yawned, trying to tell myself it was going to be a good day. I had been up late the night before washing my sheets, trying to get the smell of Kain out of them. I decided it was time to move on, and I was going to have a fresh start – starting with the sheets.
There wasn’t much in my apartment that reminded me of him. But there was something about scent that brought back too many memories. I’d tried hard to ignore it for the first few nights, then I tried to pretend like it was all going to work out.
Finally, I decided that my mother had been right all along, and there were plenty more men out there. I didn’t have to settle for any who didn’t treat me like their one and only, and since Kain clearly thought I was someone he could have on the side, he was someone I would let go.
I’d made up my mind to talk to my bosses that night about making sure I didn’t have to give him a lap dance again. I didn’t care what he paid. I was going to refuse. I knew they would give me that right.
They always wanted us to feel comfortable. Hell, I could get him permanently banned from the joint if I wanted to. But I didn’t. I wanted him to be able to see me be happy without him.
Of course, deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t happy right now. I was just going to fake it until I made it. I was going to act like I was happy and I was going to push forward until I finally forgot about him.
It was going to take some time. This was the first guy I could say I’d ever let myself fall halfway in love with, but I could still recover. I didn’t have to be bitter. I didn’t have to swear off men forever, but I didn’t have to be like my mother, either.
I wasn’t going to put up with any shit from anyone. I was a strong, independent, beautiful young woman and I was going to flaunt what I had and only give it to who I damn well pleased.
My mother had called me the night before, telling me she had thought about what I said, and she was going to quit doing anything that made me uncomfortable. Including smoking. She told me she wanted me in her life, and that was more important than anything she could put in her body.
Of course, I told her it would be a work in progress, but I was willing to give it a try if she was. I didn’t want to swear her out of my life if she would really try to be a mother, but she was going to have to really be a mother this time.
I was an adult now, and I didn’t need to have her in my life. But I wanted her there. I wanted her to be part of my adulthood just like anyone else. But, they were going to have to do their part. I was sick of being the one who was always screwed over by the world, and I was worth fighting for.
