Logan, p.25
Logan, page 25
Her emotions jumbled inside her heart, and unable to think of anything to say to him with that revelation, she simply nodded.
Cole climbed down and soon retrieved her luggage, making sure she was safely ensconced in the limousine Logan had arranged to take her home. Sitting in the back seat, she offered a wave to Cole, then leaned her head back and closed her eyes, bone weary and heart sick. It had been a journey she’d never expected, yet strangely, she didn’t regret it.
Logan had watched the plane lift into the sky, taking Vivian away from him. His heart had ached more than he’d ever experienced, and that included living through his career-changing injury and the long rehab afterward. As he stared into the night sky, he’d stayed rooted in place until the lights of the plane mingled with the stars and faded from view, taking the woman he’d fallen in love with away from him.
Finally turning, he spied Sisco standing next to the truck with Casper leaning against the door. He walked over and was grateful he didn’t say anything. Climbing inside, he turned the ignition, and the engine rumbled to life. It was time to finish the mission. The first major mission of LSIMT. And even if it would go down on the books as a success, it would always be remembered by him as his great failure.
40
TWO MONTHS LATER
Logan tried not to think about her too often, but she was always on his mind. When he’d fix his unsullied morning coffee and found that he wanted to fix another cup full of sweetener and cream. Even in his home, where she’d never been, he would almost expect her to stumble into the kitchen…my zombie Viv. And every time Sakari jumped into his lap, he’d see Viv in his mind as she’d stroke the cat while sitting at the computer.
Late at night was the worst, when the loneliness of his bed would threaten to choke him. The sunsets that painted the sky and the sunrises that shook off the night, all brought her right back to him—and the reminder that they were never meant to be.
It was crazy, considering they had only known each other a couple of weeks before they separated. He’d never believed in the notion that love could come so quickly, but now, with an emptiness in his heart, he knew it was possible.
After returning from Alaska, he’d called Donald.
“Logan, I got your report about Rashad. You tracked him to where he caught a ride on a Russian tanker just leaving the country. Interpol will handle him now. And you managed to destroy the contaminants that were developed. Congratulations on a successful mission. The country owes you and LSI a debt of gratitude.”
He’d wanted to tell Donald where he could shove the gratitude but just grunted instead. Since returning from Alaska, he’d thrown himself into the leadership role at LSIMT, ensuring they had vendors and suppliers they could rely on, going through their contracts more carefully before sending any of his Keepers out into the field, and not taking any more assignments like the one he’d agreed to for Donald. He’d stayed in close contact with Mace and Carson, forming an even closer bond with the other leaders. He’d added more runs to his training, each footstep pounding the earth unable to stop the memories of her face when they’d said goodbye.
His Keepers had avoided the topic of Vivian once he was home, although he knew they were curious. Landon had tried to talk to him, but Logan had just shaken his head and said, “I know you mean well, but I’m not talking about her. She’s better off without me, anyway.” Landon had just held his gaze and then sighed heavily but nodded.
Alone at night, he tried to imagine what she was doing and how she was getting along. There were times his fingers would hover over the keys on his phone, wanting to call or to text, just to see how she was. But each time, he shoved the phone back into his pocket. If she was getting over the events in Alaska, he didn’t want to bring them back up for her. Checking in with her would be a particular torture for him, and he needed to respect her privacy
At the end of another long week, Mary wheeled over and said, “Logan, I just received notification from Mr. Markham that he wanted a video conference with you. Only you.”
Jerking slightly, he started to ask why but knew that Donald would never have given that information to anyone but himself. His jaw tightened in anger as he wondered if Donald had forgotten that Logan had told him, in no uncertain terms, that they would not take another termination contract. “Thanks, Mary. I’ll take it in my office.” He walked into the small office he maintained just outside the large workroom the other Keepers used. He preferred to be out there when possible, but sometimes, the chance to work in quiet still reigned.
Moving to his desk, he sat and logged on to his computer. In a few seconds, Donald’s face came on the screen. “Donald.”
“Good to see you, Logan. It’s been a couple of months since we last debriefed.”
“Two months, four days, and about twelve hours.”
Donald’s gaze remained steady as he slowly nodded.
“Any particular reason you called…other than to check to see if I’m functioning? You’ve got no worries. Once a SEAL, always a SEAL. You know that. And now, once a Keeper, always a Keeper. What happened up there… how it ended… that was fucked up.” Sighing, Logan added, “She shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”
“Bottom line, Logan… you completed the mission. What Ms. Sanders went through, especially getting sick, was unfortunate.”
Logan’s eyes widened, and his body jolted. “What...sick…what are you talking about?”
Donald grimaced. “Ms. Sanders became ill upon her return to California. She was exposed to the bacteria, but it appears she wasn’t a carrier. She was the only one ill.”
His breath left him in a rush, and Logan leaned forward, his gaze anguished. “Is she all right? Is she—”
“She’s fine; she’s fine,” Donald assured, his gaze assessing. “She was treated in a hospital with antibiotics. I talked to her DHS supervisor, who was in constant contact with her and the hospital staff.” Donald stared at him intently, his eyes showing understanding that Logan didn’t bother to hide. “So as I said, her supervisor says she’s fine… she got debriefed… she got counseling. I’d say she handled things very well.”
Logan’s jaw hardened as his eyes narrowed. “Seriously? You seriously think that? She had no fuckin’ clue—”
“If she had left when her part of the mission was over, she wouldn’t have ended up in the thick of things at the end—”
Slapping his hand down on the worn table, he growled, “I told you what happened. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Donald nodded slowly. “Or perhaps she was in the right place at the right time.” Not giving Logan time to respond, he continued, “She did her part of the mission without fail and then, at the end, worked with you instead of against you when she realized what you had to do. From what you said, it seems she saved your life.”
Silence descended as Logan’s mind shifted back to Alaska. “Thin ice,” he mumbled under his breath.
“What was that?” Donald asked, his head cocked to the side.
“Nothing,” he responded. “Just a saying I heard from someone.”
“I also wanted you to know that I understand what LSI will and won’t do from now on. There may be more cases I’d like help with, but I get your hard line.”
“You have something for LSIMT, send it my way, and we’ll consider it. We might not be able to take it, but we’ll consider it.”
“Understood,” Donald said with a nod. “Then, goodbye, for now.”
Logan stared at the blank screen, his body not moving. He finally lifted his hand to rub his chest, right over his heart. The pain was real, and the ache was heavy for the suffering Vivian had to endure, as well as the loss of her in his life.
Finally, he walked out of his office and headed upstairs. Alone. And destined to be alone.
41
ONE WEEK LATER
“Boss,” Sisco called. “You’ve got a visitor at the gate. Do you want me to let her through?”
Logan sat with Sadie, Cole, Landon, Casper, and Cory. “A visitor?”
“Yeah, and I think you’ll want to meet with her.”
Logan glanced at the video surveillance, and his heart started pounding a rhythm he thought was lost to him. Standing outside the lane in a rental energy-efficient car was Vivian. Taking to his feet, he scooted his chair back, nearly hitting the table behind him. The others turned to him, but no one spoke. He’d told everyone of Donald’s call… all of it. At first, he’d thought to keep what happened to Vivian to himself but found that it was a story that needed to be told—a warning not to take anything for granted when on a mission.
“Let her in,” he replied to Sisco. “I’ll meet her at the house.” Without another word to his Keepers, he hastened upstairs. By the time he made it to the front porch, Sisco was waving her off as she pulled up to the side.
Stepping out of her vehicle, she looked up at him. Long, dark, silky hair, gently blowing in the breeze. Navy corduroy pants curved over her hips and thighs, paired with a light blue sweater. Black boots. Petite body that he knew fit perfectly with his. She was pale and appeared thinner than when he’d last seen her. But she was so fucking beautiful, his breath caught in his throat.
As he closed the distance, his heart began to pound, and he wasn’t sure there was enough air in the Montana skies to fill his lungs at the moment. As he approached, he noted the forced smile darting about her lips and her hands twisting together. He gazed into her eyes, and her nervousness was palpable. Stopping a few feet away, he drank her in, but not knowing why she was here, he held back from pulling her into his arms.
They stood, silent, as though both were afraid to speak. Finally, he simply breathed, “Viv.”
She immediately pressed her lips together tightly before sucking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I thought this would be easier,” she said, blinking several times as she breathed in and out.
His brow furrowed in silent questioning.
“Seeing you again, that is.”
“I’m really glad to see you.” Seeing her uncertain smile again, he wondered about her motive. “Uh…did you want to talk…or uh…?”
“Yes, very much. I’d like some… um… I need some closure.”
“Oh. Yeah…sure.” The idea of her forever goodbye hitting him while in his home gutted him, but he also knew he’d want the memory of just having her be in his space. He offered his hand, grateful when she took it. The electricity from her fingertips had them both staring at their clasped hands for a moment before their gazes jumped back up.
Knowing this would be the last time her hand would be in his, he entwined his fingers with hers and led her up his front porch steps. He felt a gentle tug and looked down, relieved she was not trying to disengage his hand but was instead staring off into the distance, a smile curving her lips.
“Oh, my,” Vivian whispered, her voice filled with awe at the Montana vista. “This is breathtaking. To think that you look at this every day. Every sunrise and sunset. Wow.” Giving her head a small shake, she blushed as she quickly continued up the steps.
Throwing open the door, Logan led her inside, giving her the view of his open but warm living space and the minimal, comfortable furnishings. Offering her a seat on the sofa, he reluctantly let go of her hand as he headed to the kitchen, grabbing two beers before walking back to her.
Poncho was already sitting at her feet, purring loudly as his head was being scratched. The cat stared up at her, loving the ministrations, and for the first time, Logan was jealous of a cat. A tiny meow sounded out from in front of the fireplace, and Vivian’s gaze shot to the other side of the room.
“Sakari! You kept Sakari?” Vivian slipped off the sofa and knelt on the floor with her hand extended. Sakari rose from her cushion and glided on delicate paws to offer her head for petting. Not to be ignored, Poncho moved in closer, and soon, Vivian’s face was awash with a sweet smile as she rubbed both cats. She finally looked over and then moved to resettle on the sofa.
Choosing to stay close, no matter how much her words were going to hurt, he chose to sit on the sofa, twisting his body to face her. “I had to bring Sakari back. And that’s Poncho, by the way. He’s become rather enamored and protective of her.”
Vivian’s eyes widened, and he hastened to add, “I had them both neutered. There are other strays around, but for them, I didn’t want him to go after her when she was in heat.”
“Good thinking,” she said softly, nodding. Taking a long swig of her beer, she looked down for a moment, seeming to gather her courage.
“Viv, you came a long way to talk to me… or to tell me something. I’m going to let you take your time to say whatever you need. You can call the shots.” He steeled himself for her anger, and his stomach clenched.
“I… um… I became sick when I got back from Alaska,” she began, looking up to hold his gaze. “It must have happened when I was cleaning up, although with so much bleach, I have no idea how. I handled the plastic bag afterward, so that must have been it.”
“I am so sorry—”
“No, no. I mean, it’s not your fault. It certainly proved what we knew could happen as far as biological terrorism.” Snorting, she added, “I was very mildly sick, and in fact, they used me to study what drugs worked best and how to contain contamination.” Hefting her delicate shoulders in a slight shrug, she said, “I became another DHS biological test.”
“Oh shit, Viv…”
Unable to hold back a rueful chuckle, she smiled, and he felt the punch to his gut. He had woken up to that smile for weeks and had missed it for the past couple of months.
“Anyway, I’m all better… no lasting side effects or anything, other than a little lingering fatigue.” They sat in silence again for a few minutes as she stared at her beer bottle again. “I’m also in counseling. For… well, for everything.” She lifted her gaze back to his and said, “My supervisor said it was mandatory for me to keep my job, and let’s face it, I needed it. So I’ve been seeing someone who works with former military personnel. They understand PTSD.”
His heart ached at her words. He knew what she went through, but hearing her speak of it pierced straight through him.
“I’m actually doing really well,” she admitted with a small smile. “I don’t have nightmares anymore. Well, at least only rarely, and when I do, I know several techniques for calming myself.”
“I’m glad,” he said, sincerity filling his voice. “I never meant for any of that to happen, Viv. None of it—”
She leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm, giving a little squeeze. “Oh, Logan, I know. None of it was your fault. You had a job to do, and I know that.” Swallowing deeply, she said, “I’m not here to make you feel guilty. I’m here because my therapist told me I had one more thing I needed to take care of and that was to face you. The way things ended… I had no closure.”
“And that’s why you’re here? Closure?” He wasn’t sure his heart could take any more pain but was determined to let her have what she needed.
She nodded slowly. “I need you to hear me out, please.” Seeing him give a quick nod, she sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I’m not sorry at all that I took the assignment. The truth of the matter is, I was bored just working in a lab, and even as scary as the situation became, I needed to see how my work had meaning when faced with how terrorists can use biological warfare. It opened my eyes.”
She blew out another long breath. “But on a personal level with the way things ended… it was all so…” Huffing, she grimaced. “I’ve practiced what I was going to say so much, and now that I’m here facing you, my words all seem so stupid.”
Reaching over to take her hand, he rubbed his thumb over her soft skin. “Just say whatever it is, Viv. I know I deserve whatever you’ve got to get off your chest.”
She startled, and confusion filled her eyes. “I was going to say that I felt so connected to you. It wasn’t like we had to play the part of being a couple. Honestly, I fell for you. Truly, honestly, fell for you.”
His hand stilled as he jerked his head to the side, but before he could speak, she continued. “It’s just that at the end, when you had to do your job and then everything went crazy, I felt like we didn’t get our chance to tell each other how we really felt. It was all so much about the mission, and I know it needed to be, but I’ve felt for months like so many things went unsaid.”
Pushing her shoulders back, she steeled her spine, holding his gaze. “So that’s what I came to say. I fell in love with you in Alaska, and I’m not sorry at all. I just didn’t get a chance to tell you how I felt. I once told you I was waiting for a hero, and that hero was you. That’s still true. My counselor said that I need to face the fact that I was grieving lost love as much as the PTSD, and I should come face you so at least I will have said it instead of holding it all in.” Her voice was etched with sadness, and her shoulders now hunched slightly as though her energy was spent.
She smiled gently, reaching up to cup his stubbled cheek. “Please don’t feel the need to say anything. I don’t want anything from you other than the chance to have seen you one last time. Thank you for letting me get my feelings out.” Standing, she slid her purse strap on her shoulder and started toward the door.
Dizzy with emotions, he stood quickly, calling out, “You loved me?”
She turned. Her gaze sought his, and she nodded slowly. “Yes. That’s why I needed to come see you. To know for sure that I told you how I felt, and then hopefully, I’ll be able to move on from this.”
“Why do you want to move on?”
Her brow furrowed as she tilted her head. “I need to move on, Logan. What happened in Alaska happened. But I know it’s over. The mission… us… it’s over. Staying in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate that love isn’t healthy.”
